Light Dawns in the Darkness…

THE FOLLOWING WAS POSTED IN 2017 AND RE-POSTED AT THE REQUEST OF A FRIEND

It was a cool September morning this past Friday; the twenty ninth of the month, to be exact… and I was driving to work at 6:50 in the morning and I thought to myself; “When did it get to be so dark out? How did I not see the cloud of darkness coming?"

“Just last week at this exact time it was sunny!”; I reason with myself…pondering a bit more I asked; “Or was it just this past Monday?”

When did it get to be so dark at 6:50 in the morning? How had the summer skies given way to the impending darkness that would be my normality for the next five or six months? 

Gone were the morning drive times filled with sunshine and bright skies.

Gone were the sunny mornings that greeted me and made my drive from my home in St. Paul to my office in Minneapolis.

Really; “When did it get to be so dark out? When did this darkness creep up and slowly descend upon me? How had I not seen it coming?"

Recently, I realized that another cloud of darkness came upon me as well.  At first glance it seemed that it had come with the same sudden and unforeseen entrance as the shifting of the time for sunrise had been this past week.

It came up slowly, almost methodically and even when it was fully encapsulating me I didn’t see at; not at first anyway.

In fact, it wasn’t until my wife Cathy brought it to my attention that I, too, saw that a cloud of darkness had settled over my life and pondered; “When did it get to be so dark out?” When did this darkness creep up and slowly descend upon me? How had I not seen it coming?

But as I have looked back over the previous months I realized that the signs had been there all along; in fact, others also saw them and some had asked Cathy what was going on with me…

I had been persistently sad, anxious, and feeling "empty". I felt hopeless, pessimistic, guilty, worthless, helpless… and times I was irritable.

Some days I had difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions. I was restless and instead of working less, I pressed in and doubled up my efforts, and worked more! Even that I was blind to, as most workaholics are…

At a couple of times, I dodged thoughts of suicide; which were easily dismissed as I thought about my family and didn’t want to inflict pain upon them; so I pushed the thoughts away.

At times I had a loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities, including spending time with my wife. I had decreased energy, fatigue, felt slowed down. I struggled with both a low appetite and other times overeating and weight gain.

At times I had insomnia and frequently woke up early in the morning and then couldn’t get back to sleep.

The worst part for me is that nothing seemed to really satisfy my soul; I couldn’t “hear” God speaking to me. I am a follower of Jesus Christ; a Christian. And one of my daily rituals is spending time reading the Bible, and for two solid months the words were dead to me; no revelation or life.

During this time, attending church was merely a religious activity that I did each week as I desperately longed for a real encounter with the living God.

Worship was dry and even the distant memories of times of refreshing added to my sadness as I remembered them and compared them to my present “reality”.

Yes, I was grateful for times spent with my wife and family and friends; but deep in my soul my heart was dying for life!

-

When did it get to be so dark in my life? How had the “sunny days” given way to the impending darkness that would be my normality for the next few months? 

It wasn’t something I planned or wanted (or as I soon discovered) was able to talk myself out of. And because I don’t struggle with depression, I didn’t realize what was happening.

Yes, I have highs and lows, but not depression. In fact, this, to my knowledge, was only the second time in my life that I was in a cloud of darkness called “depression”.

It had enveloped me and became a “second skin” that I was aware of, but not cognitive to the point where I did anything more that try to shake it off. I thought that I was just having a “bad day” …

I was deep in a darkness that had so become my normality, that even the reality of all that was good in my life still didn’t shake my sadness.

Telling myself to work harder and longer didn’t help either because anxiety and depression is just plain rotten and its effects tore apart my very soul! 

As I looked back over several months, I concluded that I had some unresolved pain or trauma or issues that I had not dealt with and my body, soul, mind, and spirit were crying out for me to pay attention; something was wrong!

And I needed to be OK with not being able to pull it all together and charge ahead. I needed to be OK with letting others know that I wasn’t “fine” and that I needed their help.

I will admit that it can seem to be so embarrassing to say “HELP, I NEED CARE!”  But we all do, you know.  Burnout is serious. Depression is serious. Not being able to get free is serious. Being so deep in it that I was blind to the cloud is serious!

It’s hard for me to take off the mask and admit that I am hurting; especially when I wasn’t aware that I had been running on auto pilot and was very low on fuel.

I came to realize that it is God’s desire to point this out to me (and to others who love me and whom He will also use to revive my soul). Restoring me takes first place on His agenda; He really wants me to be whole.  

I needed to be OK with stepping out of the traffic and taking a long, loving look at God and to be still, knowing that He is God (see Psalm 46:10)

I needed God to remind me that I was a part of something bigger than me; I am a member of the Body of Christ. He had others who needed me to get healthy, but not me trying to figure out how to do it or putting on a mask of appearing to be healthy.

I needed to just be who I was at that movement; someone who was hurting and be OK with that. NO MASKS!  Most of all, forgive myself for mistakes of the past.  God has never cut me off from His love.  I needed to take it!  I AM LOVED!

I am happy to write that in time, worship and revelation in His Word returned to me. My heart knows God wants to fill the broken places with His Spirit! Bible reading and church are life giving once again! And songs of worship once again greeted me as I awakened each day new day.

I wish that I could write this today and share with you that everything is OK; but it is not…my metaphorical batteries still need recharging (or replacing) and my fuel tanks are still low.

I am realizing that I still can be set off and become discharged very easily…I still need rest and recuperation throughout my day, evening, and (especially) throughout the night.

But I am aware and I do feel and I am starting to see light breaking into my life replacing the cloud that has been my “reality.

And I need to still be OK with the process of God to bring complete healing to me. But that His job and I need to be good with letting Him do it as He sees fit; after all, it is not only His job; it is all about Him and His namesake.

Dear reader, I am not sure where you are at today or why you chose to read this longer than usual blog. I didn’t write it to draw attention to myself or to come across as one who had any real answers. I simply wrote to make some sense of my life as my distorted mind tries to play games with me.

 

But if you, too, are struggling with depression, I do feel great compassion and concern for you, because you too need rest and recuperation.

Is God’s voice pretty silent right now?  I imagine it is for you (and in some areas, it still is for me). In that place it’s hard to hear encouragement and I understand.

My exhortation is that you simply let God come and rescue you. Let Him take you to where you need to go.

Let God be the One who removes the darkness and brings light back to your shattered world.

Let God bring the healing and relief that you so desperately long for. Hope is not beyond your reach; but let Him do the work.

Your part is to simply cooperate with what He tells you to do; He is asking you to trust Him.

So, let go my soul and trust in Him; the wind and waves still know His Name

If you find yourself today in a similar state of mind and you are trying to push through in your own strength, my exhortation to you is to STOP…and REST!

Jesus longs for you to call out to Him today.

He is waiting for you to respond to His mercy and grace that has already been extended to you through Jesus Christ. And you can; today. And it can make all the difference in the world as you look for hope in your present world. Let Him bring you REST.

Need further help? Someone is waiting to talk with you. Call either: 1-888-NEED HIM or 1-877-2GRAHAM (1-877-247-2426).

"Light dawns in the darkness for the upright; he is gracious, merciful, and righteous." (Psalm 112:4 ESV)

      Pastor Tommy Oestreich 

© 2017 River of Hope Ministries. All Rights Reserved                                 

Fixing A Crooked Beam

I was up at our family cabin recently and as I looked up at the open beams on the ceiling, an old conversation from twenty years earlier came back to haunt me.

“You know, I don’t think that I ever forgave you for that crooked beam.”

The year was 2000 and I was up at the family cabin sitting at the dining room table eating lunch with my (now departed) father-in-law. We had gone to the cabin to install some trim on some doors and a stained-glass window that I had recently created and installed.

I looked up from my lunch that I had been enjoying to ask what he said to me.

And his statement seemed out of character for this man who was known for his kindness and the gracious way that he treated people. He certainly was not known for holding a grudge or holding back forgiveness.

“What did you say?”; I asked him now that he had my full attention.

 “I said I don’t think that I ever forgave you for that crooked beam.” He said as he pointed up to the open rafters on the North side of the ceiling.

He saw my puzzled look and continued with his razzing; “When you were installing that beam, I had commented that you were about to install the beam on the wrong side of the line. Now, as I look up, I see that the beam is installed crooked. And, I was making a comment that I don’t think that I ever forgave you for that crooked beam.”  

I struggled for words to correct him but I knew that he was right. He had said it but my youthful pride had prevented me from admitting that I was wrong or at least from stopping to look at what he was talking about prior to nailing the beam in place.

After all, I was working construction and helped him to build this cabin. I was the professional. I was doing this for a living five to six days a week.

He, on the other hand, had only learned what he knew about construction from his father who was a carpenter and had come from a long line of Norwegian wood workers, carpenters, and ship builders.

Oh, and anything else he learned as he studied structural engineering.

And all of the construction projects that he had done over the years; including a large two-story addition on their home long before I came into the picture.

My pride had prevented me from learning from someone, who didn’t work occupationally in construction, but who had noticed that I was about to do something wrong.

Now I sat, looking up at the ceiling as I pondered what it would take to correct the situation. I see it each and every time I go to the cabin.

First of all, I would need to take off the whole roof system; which included shingles, ice-and-water shield (which would be glued to the roof), plywood, polystyrene, and one-inch roof boards in order for me to remove and replace the beam in its proper place.

And that would be just to replace the beam.

In order to get my father-in-law’s forgiveness, I would need to exhume the coffin and then raise him from the dead, drive him to the cabin eighty miles away and then, after showing him the beam, ask for his forgiveness.

The truth is I was able to have a conversation with him to understand that he was simply razzing me for not listening to him. He let me know that he didn’t hold it against me. 

But what if I hadn’t been able to hear his “aught” against me and asked for his forgiveness? What if he had taken it to his grave when he died seven years later never sharing with me that he had something between us?

More than a crooked beam, unforgiveness will haunt both sides for the rest of your life. And that is no way to live.

Jesus said;

“Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)

All Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Stop, Look, and Listen

Nancy Claster, who will forever remain Miss Nancy in the hearts and minds of her loyal fans as television's original "Romper Room" teacher, died this past week of cancer. She was 82.

Do you remember Romper Room? Daily televisions were turned on to find a friendly woman who seemed to be able to see us while we were in our living rooms using her Romper Room Magic Mirror.

The Romper Room hostess finished each program by gazing through an empty mirror frame and reciting the names of the children whom she pretended to see watching the program (a different list of names each day). For example, “I see Tommy and Cathy and Joe and Vickie and Stan and all you boys and girls out there.”

 

During the show, simple life lessons were taught on things like manners, kindness, and waiting your turn. Sometimes other life lessons like Stop, Look, and Listen.

That particular message was pretty simple: When you come to a railroad track, you are supposed to stop, look, and listen until proceeding on. The goal was to prevent being run over by a train.

As I said, the lesson was simple; so simple that it was taught to elementary students; which is funny considering the application wouldn't be applied in their lives until ten years later when they were drivers!

Yes, the lesson was given specifically for when one comes to a train crossing. But; and hopefully you figured this out yourself, the lesson was taught so that it could be applied to other situations in our lives.

And yet, lately, I have been thinking that many adults seem to have forgotten that lesson when they got older. I observe too many adults who are doing way too much talking instead of listening.

I see way too many people in situations in which they are metaphorically about to be run over, and, they hit the gas instead of doing what they were instructed to do:

·  STOP when you are entering a dangerous situation.

·  LOOK at where you are about to enter

·  LISTEN (that means that you have to stop talking)

Too many people who fail to see they do not have to voice their opinions on everything they see posted by others.

Too many people who then pass on their opinions to all of their friends in the form of a post or video.

Too many people who simply need to stop posting, stop ranting, stop forwarding, stop insisting that their way is the only way!

Too many people who simply need to look at who might be reading their posts, look deeply with eyes of compassion and empathy at those with whom they have a differing point of view.

Too many people who simply need to listen. This, of course, implies that one needs to stop talking (including texting, tweeting, or posting) to do so!

You might be surprised just how much you have in common with someone you see as your opponent.

⁹ Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; ¹¹ not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; ¹² rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; ¹³ distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. ¹⁶ Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.

¹⁷ Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. ¹⁹ Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. ²⁰ Therefore

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

All Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Summer of Love Remix

2018 was dubbed my “Summer of Love”. I attended eleven weddings; nine of which I officiated. On Memorial Day weekend, I attended two wedding (one of which I officiated).

Added to the mix was all of the preparation time, including wedding planning and premarital counseling.

Needless to say, Cathy and I didn’t get up to the family cabin other than the week of July fourth so we did a better job scheduling my weddings for 2019. And, for the most part, we were very successful in not over booking. This included two weddings back to back (Friday and Saturday nights).

This year, 2020, was scripted to also be another summer of love with nine couples asking me to be the pastor for their wedding.

Cathy and I had set up a system that somehow, I had (unintendedly) bypassed. I had two one month (last two weeks) and two the next (first two weeks). I hadn’t noticed my mistake until I was putting them on our joint calendar.

This was helpful as I eventually declined several other couples who asked me to officiate their weddings. I told them that I didn’t want to fill all of my weekends.

We reminded each other of the Lord’s faithfulness in the past, and moved forward as we launched into my Summer of Love 2020.

That is until the corona-covid-19-pandemic-epidemic brought my plans to a screeching HALT! Somebody sneezed and the whole world freaked out.

Suddenly, almost all of my couples went into a tail spin as they were told that they could not have their weddings as planned.

Yes, couples were allowed to get married, as long as the gathering was ten or fewer people instead of the planned 200-300 guests.

Event centers and venues were told that they needed to close up shop in order to slow down this major virus from spreading.

Calls were made. Flight plans canceled. Cakes were put on hold as my spring weddings got moved to either October-November or else to 2021.

Over and over again I listened to couples who were hurt, confused, and frustrated when their plans, many which had been in the works for two years, were no longer an option.

Many felt betrayed when they were told that contractually they were not able to get their money back.

As a pastor (and dad) my heart hurts for them.

Over and over again I listened to vendors and venue owners who were hurt, confused, and frustrated when their plans, many which had been in the works for two years, were no longer an option.

Many felt betrayed when they were pressured by clients who asked for their money back; even though the vendors hadn’t broken the contract and worked hard to come up with other dates for rescheduling the weddings.

The problem was that even when they came up with something new, the government told them that “no” they couldn’t open up their venues or perform a service.

Some things made sense; others were beyond comprehension; all because somebody sneezed and the whole world freaked out.

As a pastor (and vendor) my heart hurts for them.

And, as of this writing, things are still up in the air as to when things can “get back to normal”.

But the truth is, life is unpredictable and the best laid plans of mice and men are just that; PLANS.

I tell every couple at every wedding I officiate that the security of their marriage will rest in the true purposes of their hearts, in their character, in the steadfastness of their devotion to each other, and more importantly the love of God and asking His help.

In other words, the success of their marriages will really be based on how well they choose to face life as they apply what they said at their weddings.

Simply put, how much do they look to the vows that they make and how much do they look to God who created marriage in the first place.

The same is true for each one of us as we go through this corona-covid-19-pandemic-epidemic. Do we really believe that there is Someone who is in control and look to Him, or do we look to our plans as though they are set in concrete?

This Summer of Love may not turn out as I have planned; and that’s OK. Either way, the LORD will be glorified in my life and I will juggle my life to be there for my couples and fellow vendors as together we create stories to tell the grandchildren when this is all over.

Hey; I Need A Hug!

This past week the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) strongly recommended that people stay at least six feet away from each other in public because of the Coronavirus COVID-19. Because there is little to no pre-existing immunity against the new virus, it spreads worldwide.

Their basic instruction was to stay home, avoid physical contact, and don’t gather in large crowds. Introverts have been preparing for this moment their entire lives!

In other words; DON’T HUG IN PUBLIC; ESPECIALLY WITH STRANGERS!

All across the USA pandemonium broke out. Churches canceled services and closed their doors. Schools canceled classes. Businesses encouraged those who could to work from home.

The NCAA basketball men and women’s tournaments were canceled. The NBA and NHL suspended their seasons. MLB suspended spring training and delayed opening games by at least two weeks. The PGA postponed the Masters.

Wedding venues have been reduced to fifty guests in attendance. Even restaurants, banks, and stores have temporarily closed their doors.

Worst of all, my hockey games were canceled; along with a hockey tournament that I was invited to play in Nashville in April. It’s the end of the world as we know it!

I’m not sure if the IRS still wants our taxes or not but President Donald Trump has instructed the Treasury Department and IRS to extend the April 15, 2020 deadline for filing federal income tax returns for those affected by Coronavirus. 

 

In stores empty shelves could be seen as people purchased EVERY bottle of hand-sanitizer and EVERY bottle of water and EVERY roll of toilet paper.

Although we don’t use hand sanitizer, the first two seem (somewhat) logical. The extreme amount of toilet paper that individuals purchased makes no sense at all. Don’t they realize that they can purchase online if this really is the zombie-apocalypse???

Cathy and I were happy that we had extra napkins in our vehicles, thus saving us an unnecessary trip to the madness.

This past week I also spoke at a chapel service at the Rochester Campus of Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge (MnTC) -a Christian based rehab and recovery center.

I love not only preaching, but also hearing the stories of the lives of the men and women who have gone through or are currently in the program.

Another reason I like to visit the various campuses of MnTC is because they like to give hugs.

I didn’t always like hugs. In the days of my youth I had learned to distance myself from people by only shaking hands. This was my not so subtle attempt to not get hurt in life. If you don’t get too close then no one can hurt you; right?

My exception was with girls; but that always had an ulterior motive. A hug is supposed to be a way of giving and receiving human contact in this otherwise detached and sequestered world.

When I was young, to my best recollection, my family weren’t huggers. Perhaps that is where I learned to practice my physical stoicism.

I should note that my family are huggers now. One of the joys that I have is the gift of touch that my parents give me whenever we meet. We hug each other when we arrive and when we leave.

My wife Cathy’s family are all huggers. Yes, ALL of them. It didn’t matter whether I was coming or going; they wanted to hug me.

When I first started dating Cathy, this threw me off. They, somehow, thought it was OK to hug me rather than the traditional handshake as they tried to break through my force-shield.

In time, I had built my reputation as one who was OK with just a handshake. And then, I let my guard down and started letting people get closer to me.

The process started when a friend of mine who was my pastor challenged me to start letting others in. He commented that he thought that I was one of the most transparent people he knew. He observed how I was willing to share my life openly.

But, in time, he discovered that what others saw as openness was actually a glass fortress around my life that only a few people had a key to get into. He asked me for a key.  I think it threw him off a bit when (a few years later) I came up to him and gave him a hug.

The process continued when one of my employees at MnTC told me that he was doing an intervention. He said that he was starting a “twelve-step” hug program for me.

He explained that he had told the clients and my staff that I had to give and receive least one hug a day as I progressively continued until I was receiving at least twelve hugs a day; then I could graduate from his program.

He implemented the program right after I had shoulder surgery; making it difficult to run away.

Four years later when I resigned from my position, I was “forced” to stand at a narrow doorway (five feet wide) as approximately sixty clients and a dozen staff one-by-one gave me a hug. Cathy stood by watching me seeing the success of the “twelve-step” hug program.

Fast forward to this week. When the CDC said “no hugs” and “stay six-feet away”, my heart sank. I had finally gotten used to the idea of giving and receiving hugs and now someone (in an attempt to save my life) tells me that this is not acceptable?

HEY, I NEED A HUG! I’ve lived way too many years of my life surviving on a handshake or a head nod as a form of human contact.

My attempt to stay safe and unhurt sent the wrong message to those who attempted to show affection to me. I came to understand that people didn’t understand that I was just trying to get through life unscathed. They took it as a form of rejection of them.

After going through the “twelve-step” hug program, my life is richer and people appreciate my receptivity to their attempt to show affection to me.

Jesus said that in the last days the love of many will grow cold (Matthew 24). And although I have no desire to spread COVID-19, I would rather continue to give and receive hugs and get COVID-19 (by hugging) …

…than go through life as I once lived; a hug-less, stoic and isolated person in this world in which we were made to give and receive love.

With all due respect to the CDC, when you see me, it’s OK to give me a hug.  HEY, I NEED A HUG!

If you or someone you know is struggling with an addiction, MnTC is here to help. Freedom from addiction starts here. Call 612-FREEDOM today.

For over 30 years MnTC has been restoring hope to people struggling with drug, alcohol, and other life-controlling addictions by addressing their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. 

The mission of MnTC is to assist teens and adults in gaining freedom from chemical addictions and other life controlling problems by addressing their physical, emotional and spiritual needs.

They offer effective and affordable programs throughout Minnesota with campuses in Minneapolis, Brainerd, Duluth, Rochester and Buffalo. MnTC offers both a long-term, faith-based recovery program and short-term licensed treatment program, allowing us to effectively serve individuals with a broad spectrum of addiction issues; from those seeking treatment for the first time, to those who have been struggling with addiction for many years.