Light Dawns in the Darkness…

THE FOLLOWING WAS POSTED IN 2017 AND RE-POSTED AT THE REQUEST OF A FRIEND

It was a cool September morning this past Friday; the twenty ninth of the month, to be exact… and I was driving to work at 6:50 in the morning and I thought to myself; “When did it get to be so dark out? How did I not see the cloud of darkness coming?"

“Just last week at this exact time it was sunny!”; I reason with myself…pondering a bit more I asked; “Or was it just this past Monday?”

When did it get to be so dark at 6:50 in the morning? How had the summer skies given way to the impending darkness that would be my normality for the next five or six months? 

Gone were the morning drive times filled with sunshine and bright skies.

Gone were the sunny mornings that greeted me and made my drive from my home in St. Paul to my office in Minneapolis.

Really; “When did it get to be so dark out? When did this darkness creep up and slowly descend upon me? How had I not seen it coming?"

Recently, I realized that another cloud of darkness came upon me as well.  At first glance it seemed that it had come with the same sudden and unforeseen entrance as the shifting of the time for sunrise had been this past week.

It came up slowly, almost methodically and even when it was fully encapsulating me I didn’t see at; not at first anyway.

In fact, it wasn’t until my wife Cathy brought it to my attention that I, too, saw that a cloud of darkness had settled over my life and pondered; “When did it get to be so dark out?” When did this darkness creep up and slowly descend upon me? How had I not seen it coming?

But as I have looked back over the previous months I realized that the signs had been there all along; in fact, others also saw them and some had asked Cathy what was going on with me…

I had been persistently sad, anxious, and feeling "empty". I felt hopeless, pessimistic, guilty, worthless, helpless… and times I was irritable.

Some days I had difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions. I was restless and instead of working less, I pressed in and doubled up my efforts, and worked more! Even that I was blind to, as most workaholics are…

At a couple of times, I dodged thoughts of suicide; which were easily dismissed as I thought about my family and didn’t want to inflict pain upon them; so I pushed the thoughts away.

At times I had a loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities, including spending time with my wife. I had decreased energy, fatigue, felt slowed down. I struggled with both a low appetite and other times overeating and weight gain.

At times I had insomnia and frequently woke up early in the morning and then couldn’t get back to sleep.

The worst part for me is that nothing seemed to really satisfy my soul; I couldn’t “hear” God speaking to me. I am a follower of Jesus Christ; a Christian. And one of my daily rituals is spending time reading the Bible, and for two solid months the words were dead to me; no revelation or life.

During this time, attending church was merely a religious activity that I did each week as I desperately longed for a real encounter with the living God.

Worship was dry and even the distant memories of times of refreshing added to my sadness as I remembered them and compared them to my present “reality”.

Yes, I was grateful for times spent with my wife and family and friends; but deep in my soul my heart was dying for life!

-

When did it get to be so dark in my life? How had the “sunny days” given way to the impending darkness that would be my normality for the next few months? 

It wasn’t something I planned or wanted (or as I soon discovered) was able to talk myself out of. And because I don’t struggle with depression, I didn’t realize what was happening.

Yes, I have highs and lows, but not depression. In fact, this, to my knowledge, was only the second time in my life that I was in a cloud of darkness called “depression”.

It had enveloped me and became a “second skin” that I was aware of, but not cognitive to the point where I did anything more that try to shake it off. I thought that I was just having a “bad day” …

I was deep in a darkness that had so become my normality, that even the reality of all that was good in my life still didn’t shake my sadness.

Telling myself to work harder and longer didn’t help either because anxiety and depression is just plain rotten and its effects tore apart my very soul! 

As I looked back over several months, I concluded that I had some unresolved pain or trauma or issues that I had not dealt with and my body, soul, mind, and spirit were crying out for me to pay attention; something was wrong!

And I needed to be OK with not being able to pull it all together and charge ahead. I needed to be OK with letting others know that I wasn’t “fine” and that I needed their help.

I will admit that it can seem to be so embarrassing to say “HELP, I NEED CARE!”  But we all do, you know.  Burnout is serious. Depression is serious. Not being able to get free is serious. Being so deep in it that I was blind to the cloud is serious!

It’s hard for me to take off the mask and admit that I am hurting; especially when I wasn’t aware that I had been running on auto pilot and was very low on fuel.

I came to realize that it is God’s desire to point this out to me (and to others who love me and whom He will also use to revive my soul). Restoring me takes first place on His agenda; He really wants me to be whole.  

I needed to be OK with stepping out of the traffic and taking a long, loving look at God and to be still, knowing that He is God (see Psalm 46:10)

I needed God to remind me that I was a part of something bigger than me; I am a member of the Body of Christ. He had others who needed me to get healthy, but not me trying to figure out how to do it or putting on a mask of appearing to be healthy.

I needed to just be who I was at that movement; someone who was hurting and be OK with that. NO MASKS!  Most of all, forgive myself for mistakes of the past.  God has never cut me off from His love.  I needed to take it!  I AM LOVED!

I am happy to write that in time, worship and revelation in His Word returned to me. My heart knows God wants to fill the broken places with His Spirit! Bible reading and church are life giving once again! And songs of worship once again greeted me as I awakened each day new day.

I wish that I could write this today and share with you that everything is OK; but it is not…my metaphorical batteries still need recharging (or replacing) and my fuel tanks are still low.

I am realizing that I still can be set off and become discharged very easily…I still need rest and recuperation throughout my day, evening, and (especially) throughout the night.

But I am aware and I do feel and I am starting to see light breaking into my life replacing the cloud that has been my “reality.

And I need to still be OK with the process of God to bring complete healing to me. But that His job and I need to be good with letting Him do it as He sees fit; after all, it is not only His job; it is all about Him and His namesake.

Dear reader, I am not sure where you are at today or why you chose to read this longer than usual blog. I didn’t write it to draw attention to myself or to come across as one who had any real answers. I simply wrote to make some sense of my life as my distorted mind tries to play games with me.

 

But if you, too, are struggling with depression, I do feel great compassion and concern for you, because you too need rest and recuperation.

Is God’s voice pretty silent right now?  I imagine it is for you (and in some areas, it still is for me). In that place it’s hard to hear encouragement and I understand.

My exhortation is that you simply let God come and rescue you. Let Him take you to where you need to go.

Let God be the One who removes the darkness and brings light back to your shattered world.

Let God bring the healing and relief that you so desperately long for. Hope is not beyond your reach; but let Him do the work.

Your part is to simply cooperate with what He tells you to do; He is asking you to trust Him.

So, let go my soul and trust in Him; the wind and waves still know His Name

If you find yourself today in a similar state of mind and you are trying to push through in your own strength, my exhortation to you is to STOP…and REST!

Jesus longs for you to call out to Him today.

He is waiting for you to respond to His mercy and grace that has already been extended to you through Jesus Christ. And you can; today. And it can make all the difference in the world as you look for hope in your present world. Let Him bring you REST.

Need further help? Someone is waiting to talk with you. Call either: 1-888-NEED HIM or 1-877-2GRAHAM (1-877-247-2426).

"Light dawns in the darkness for the upright; he is gracious, merciful, and righteous." (Psalm 112:4 ESV)

      Pastor Tommy Oestreich 

© 2017 River of Hope Ministries. All Rights Reserved                                 

Lessons from Khan's Mongolian BBQ

It was 1980 something and I was about to expand my culinary taste repertoire. I was invited, along with Cathy, to join some friends at a “Khan's Mongolian BBQ” restaurant.   

After you are seated, you are escorted to a buffet line and handed a plate or bowl on which to place your choice of raw meats, fresh veggies, and Mongolian noodles.

You can also determine the type and amount of savory sauces, seasoning, and oil you want in the dish. From spicy chili sauces to the house special ‘Mongol Sauce’, there are endless possibilities and flavor combinations for you to choose from.

After you make your selection, you take it to the iron grill where they turn those ingredients into a true culinary adventure.

You can go back over and over again and try something new each and every visit!

As I said, I had never eaten at Khan’s or anything like it before, so when I went through the line, I filled my plate with what I thought was a large portion of food.

My hosts looked at what I had chosen and told me to go back and pile it up higher on my plate. I had seen their plates which were filled almost to the ceiling, but had written off the amount they chose because they both were somewhat larger than Cathy and I. OK, they both were fat!

I told them that this was enough food for me and they replied that I needed to at least double what I had chosen. They told me that once you fill your plate up, and the fire comes, you don’t get to go through the line again.

I reluctantly went back and added another heaping spoonful of something.

They looked and me and once again told me to go back, explaining that once the food was placed on the griddle, the items would shrink as they were consumed by the heat.

Many of the food items, when the fire hits them, would be reduced to almost nothing because they were mostly water.

Other items that were harder, such as peanuts or meat on bones, would make it through the cooking process and remain true to their size and portion and would come out richer and taste better.

I told them that this was enough food for me and they gave each other a look that I would soon come to understand.

I handed my plate to the chef and stood back to watch him do his craft on the large griddle surrounded by fire. And, a very short time later, I was handed my plate of what would turn out to be a feast fit for a king.

All was well until I sat down at my table with Cathy and the host couple and looked at everyone else’s plate, and then looked at mine. On everyone else’s plate (Cathy had listened to their advice) was a nice large portion; but not over-loaded.

The amount on my plate looked as though it was an in-flight meal on an airplane. Or else that it came from some snooty restaurants where the bill that they give you is much larger than the portion that you are served.

Once again, my hosts (lovingly) gave me the “we tried to tell you…” look as I regretted not listening to their advice.

It’s amazing how I had thought that the amount that I had was so much UNTIL it was placed in the fire. Then, it was revealed that I didn’t have as much as I thought I had.

The Apostle Paul writes in his letter to the young church in Corinth that there is a day coming when everything we have done while we were alive on planet Earth will go through a fire to see what we have really done.

He writes that some of our work, piled high as it may be in our metaphorical plate or bowl (or wheelbarrow), is simply wood, hay, and straw and will be burned up. These were the things we did as filler items in our lives and consumed our days and nights.

Other things that we have done he compares to gold, silver, and precious stones. He writes that they would make it through the process and remain true to their size and portion. In fact, they would come out purer and clearer and more valuable.

I think of that scripture often. I realize that, yes, Jesus’s sacrifice for us who receive it will bring no condemnation during this process. After the fire hits, all that we did will be met with; “Well done good and faithful servant.”

But, like when I looked at my friend’s plates, I don’t want to wish that I had loaded up my plate with things that would bring Him honor and glory. I don’t want to be the one about whom other’s say; “Man was that ever a big fire!”

I want my life to reflect His goodness to me. I want my final “dish” to look as though Jesus had made a difference in my life; beyond salvation. I want it to be piled high with gold, silver, and precious stones; all of which reflect back His image.

After all, once you fill your plate up, and the fire comes, you don’t get to go through the line again.

1 Corinthians 3:9-15

⁹ For we are God’s fellow workers; you are God’s field, you are God’s building. ¹⁰ According to the grace of God which was given to me, as a wise master builder I have laid the foundation, and another builds on it. But let each one take heed how he builds on it. ¹¹ For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. ¹² Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, ¹³ each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one’s work, of what sort it is. ¹⁴ If anyone’s work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. ¹⁵ If anyone’s work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.

All Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

This Is The Story of My Life

Although I didn’t write this, it is the story of my life; my testimony.

I used to stay out late, I had a party disease
I could've wrecked my car, I couldn't find the keys
I heard the voice of God tell me to leave it alone
"You got a train to catch out of the danger zone"

I used to shake my fist, I was an angry boy
Wanting to fight the world, I didn't know what for
I heard the voice of God tell me to leave it alone
"You got a bus to catch out of the danger zone"

Heard Him say, hey, hey, hey, you can go
Heard Him say, hey, hey, hey
Headed for another world, out of the danger zone

Though I was good and safe, acted like a natural fool
I thought that life was a game, I didn't know the rules
I heard the voice of God tell me to leave it alone
"You got a train to catch out of the danger zone"

Heard Him say, hey, hey, hey, you can go
I heard Him say, hey, hey, hey
Headed for another world, out of the danger zone

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Out of the danger zone

© 1987 Eddie DeGarmo and Dana Key- Out Of The Danger Zone

Don’t Keep Score!

It was Monday morning. And it felt like a “Monday Morning”; the kind that Garfield the cat hated. It was the kind that people dreaded going to work on after a long weekend.

And I was at work…and I wanted to be alone…and he walked into my office and stood there in the doorway and stared at me.

To say that the weekend had been eventful was the understatement of the decade.

Never had my life gone from such success to the exact opposite in such a short amount of time. The drama that took place on Saturday alone had sent terror deep into my soul.

You might be thinking; “Why the overdramatization? Things couldn’t have been that bad!”

They had been bad; in fact, people (literally) died under my watch. And several others went missing and almost died under my watch. And I dreaded facing the music as Monday morning came around.

And I was at work…and I wanted to be alone…and he walked into my office and stood there in the doorway and stared at me.

He was a therapist whose clients in the treatment center where we both worked were under my watch. And I was in charge of over sixty men and twelve staff; and yet felt so far from being a leader as I tried to wrap my head around the events of the weekend…

The men had been out on a biannual pass with their families and almost twelve of them never made it back because of bad choices; or at least not when they were supposed to be back. Some of them came back on time but had broken the rules and were clearly under the influence.

Several of them were missing. Several others had decided not to come back. A few literally died. 

And I was at work…and I wanted to be alone…and he walked into my office and stood there in the doorway and stared at me.

My facility had been rated (by clients and staff) as one of the best in the whole state for satisfaction and retention. Guys liked living there and staff liked working for me.

We were a team who had high success. We were the facility in which clients went out on passes and came back; sober and ready to keep working on their lives.

That is until this past weekend; when everything seemed to hit the fan. On Saturday, I had been at a dinner party, during which I received a total (of no less than) twenty-five phone calls from staff reporting on the drama that was unfolding.

Each and every time the phone rang, I had to excuse myself so that I could take the call in another room. Each and every time the phone rang, several people had to stand up so that I could make my way from the crowded table to take the phone call in private.

Each and every time the phone rang, there was more bad news of another client who had made bad choices and now had either not come back or had come back under the influence and this continued throughout the rest of the sleepless weekend.

And now it was Monday and it was time to face the music.

And I was at work…and I wanted to be alone…and he walked into my office and stood there in the doorway and stared at me and said; “Don’t keep score!”

Realizing that I wasn’t paying attention to his words, he took a few steps closer to my desk and said it again with a stronger tone; “Don’t keep score!”

I continued my work as I gave him a gratuitous nod of my head hoping that he would move on so that I could prepare my reports.

Motivated by my lack of attention he got within a few feet of my person and raised his voice and said; “What about all of those people who came back? I mean it; DON’T KEEP SCORE!”

I looked at him and said that this was different; people left and either came back under the influence or never came back and some had died under my watch.

This was the kind of event that set the clients and staff on edge as they each wondered and started to ask what THEY could have done to have prevented this.

I was looking for answers as I tried to protect my great staff who themselves had fallen on their metaphorical swords and were second guessing their decisions.

Determined to make his point, he continued as he was inches from my face; “You never took credit for their success. You always deflected the compliments and results of the surveys that made your leadership look good; the best in the state.”

“You always shared the reasons for the success of your facility as your team working together and never kept score. Why are you now taking the blame for choices that others made?”

“Don’t take the blame for their bad choices. You have a great team who did their best and still people made wrong choices” he said as he was now inches from my face.

“I mean it; DON’T KEEP SCORE!”

“Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” (Job 2:10b)

With that, he left my office and I knew he was right. He loved the Lord and his words were the reality check that I needed to help get my bearings back in order to lead the team in making sense of the metaphorical atomic bomb that had been dropped into our lives.

A few minutes later my boss called me to see how I was doing. He too had been a part of the long weekend as some decisions needed to be bounced off of him. I shared the words that the therapist had given to me.

He said that he’s correct, adding that it wasn’t my job to take the blame.

I needed to file reports to give account and make more phone calls to those in the legal community to explain what had happened. That was part of my job. But it wasn’t my job to take the blame.

My job was to rally both the clients and staff to take a breath, look upward, and keep going forward. This would not be the end of the story. God was the One who got to say how it went from here because He was the reason that I had great success.

I called a meeting and spoke life into the clients and staff and took time to take questions in an attempt to stop the mental erosion that others were experiencing as they continued to blame themselves.

“Don’t keep score” I told them as I exhorted them to look upward as we took the next steps to go forward.

Eventually, this event would leave a dent in my armor that proved to be too much and I and a few of my staff made a shift and resigned from our positions. But, the words of that therapist became a battle cry that has been in my heart as new situations have come across my life.

No matter what the situation is, I need to give God the glory and the praise due His Name.

No matter what the situation is, I need to look to the Lord as the One alone who can make sense to the matters that weigh down my heart.

No matter what the situation is, I need to trust the Lord to repair the damage from the metaphorical atomic bomb that has been dropped into my life.

No matter what the situation is, I learned to not keep score.

"and we know all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

A Thanksgiving Psalm

Psalm 100 The Message (MSG)

1-2 On your feet now—applaud God!
    Bring a gift of laughter,
    sing yourselves into His presence.

3 Know this: God is God, and God, God.
    He made us; we didn’t make Him.
    We’re his people, His well-tended sheep.

4 Enter with the password: “Thank you!”
    Make yourselves at home, talking praise.
    Thank him. Worship Him.

5 For God is sheer beauty,
    all-generous in love,
    loyal always and ever.

The Message (MSG)

Copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson

“What’s With The Two Cents?”

Cathy called out to me from the utility room.

I was in the adjacent family room and hadn’t heard what she said so I asked her to repeat the question.

Cathy repeated her question; “What’s with the two cents?”

I came into the utility room and realized she was asking about the coins on top of the dryer.

She continued in her investigation; “It seems as though every load of laundry has coins in it; do you pick up pennies?”

I told her that it is just one of my (many) quirks. “Whenever I see coins on the ground, I pick them up”; I told her and added, “It’s not because I am hoping to get one hundred and have a dollar.”

I put my hand in the pockets of the jeans that I was wearing and found two cents. My mind started to wander…

The phrase "My two cents" and its longer version "put my two cents in" is oftentimes used to preface a tentative statement of one’s opinion. To offer my two cents is to offer up my opinion; sometimes before it is ever asked.

Another phrase; “a penny for your thoughts” is used when the other person is asking for what I am thinking and perhaps is asking for my opinion.

Giving my two cents may not seem like a lot and yet it can leave an impact; especially when our opinion has been really thought through.

I’ve been pondering this phrase because, although often my opinion is asked from others, it really may be MY opinion; not necessarily godly wisdom.

I’ve been pondering this phrase because although I have a history of having an opinion about everything, I am working on NOT giving it out just because I have an opinion.

And this includes times when others will ask me; “What do you think about…?”

I’m working on SayING the Good; NOT giving out my two cents but only words that will help and impart grace to the hearers.

Do you, too, struggle sometimes with giving your two cents? Here is what I am working on, perhaps it will help you.

Speak to Build Others Up

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. (Ephesians 4:29)

Speak Without Complaining/Arguing

Do all things without complaining and disputing (Philippians 2:14)

Don’t Speak Too Much

And a fool’s voice is known by his many words (Ecclesiastes 5:3b)

Fools base their thoughts on foolish assumptions, so their conclusions will be wicked madness; they chatter on and on. (Ecclesiastes 10:13-14a)

Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut. (Proverbs 10:19)

Speak Without Gossiping

A gossip goes around telling secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence. (Proverbs 11:13)

A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends. (Proverbs 16:28)

Speak Without Criticizing Others

Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. (James 4:11)

Speak At the Highest Level of Your Faith

And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,” we also believe and therefore speak (2 Corinthians 4:13)

Sounds simple; right? Well it’s not and it will take some time to make the change. Remember it took you this long to get to this place in your life and it may take time to get to a new way of speaking…

But if you continue to work at it, you will get there.

So have grace with yourself as you start this new journey of only saying the good. You and those around you will be changed for the better.

 “Keep your stick on the ice; I’m pulling for you!” -Red Green