Light Dawns in the Darkness…

THE FOLLOWING WAS POSTED IN 2017 AND RE-POSTED AT THE REQUEST OF A FRIEND

It was a cool September morning this past Friday; the twenty ninth of the month, to be exact… and I was driving to work at 6:50 in the morning and I thought to myself; “When did it get to be so dark out? How did I not see the cloud of darkness coming?"

“Just last week at this exact time it was sunny!”; I reason with myself…pondering a bit more I asked; “Or was it just this past Monday?”

When did it get to be so dark at 6:50 in the morning? How had the summer skies given way to the impending darkness that would be my normality for the next five or six months? 

Gone were the morning drive times filled with sunshine and bright skies.

Gone were the sunny mornings that greeted me and made my drive from my home in St. Paul to my office in Minneapolis.

Really; “When did it get to be so dark out? When did this darkness creep up and slowly descend upon me? How had I not seen it coming?"

Recently, I realized that another cloud of darkness came upon me as well.  At first glance it seemed that it had come with the same sudden and unforeseen entrance as the shifting of the time for sunrise had been this past week.

It came up slowly, almost methodically and even when it was fully encapsulating me I didn’t see at; not at first anyway.

In fact, it wasn’t until my wife Cathy brought it to my attention that I, too, saw that a cloud of darkness had settled over my life and pondered; “When did it get to be so dark out?” When did this darkness creep up and slowly descend upon me? How had I not seen it coming?

But as I have looked back over the previous months I realized that the signs had been there all along; in fact, others also saw them and some had asked Cathy what was going on with me…

I had been persistently sad, anxious, and feeling "empty". I felt hopeless, pessimistic, guilty, worthless, helpless… and times I was irritable.

Some days I had difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions. I was restless and instead of working less, I pressed in and doubled up my efforts, and worked more! Even that I was blind to, as most workaholics are…

At a couple of times, I dodged thoughts of suicide; which were easily dismissed as I thought about my family and didn’t want to inflict pain upon them; so I pushed the thoughts away.

At times I had a loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities, including spending time with my wife. I had decreased energy, fatigue, felt slowed down. I struggled with both a low appetite and other times overeating and weight gain.

At times I had insomnia and frequently woke up early in the morning and then couldn’t get back to sleep.

The worst part for me is that nothing seemed to really satisfy my soul; I couldn’t “hear” God speaking to me. I am a follower of Jesus Christ; a Christian. And one of my daily rituals is spending time reading the Bible, and for two solid months the words were dead to me; no revelation or life.

During this time, attending church was merely a religious activity that I did each week as I desperately longed for a real encounter with the living God.

Worship was dry and even the distant memories of times of refreshing added to my sadness as I remembered them and compared them to my present “reality”.

Yes, I was grateful for times spent with my wife and family and friends; but deep in my soul my heart was dying for life!

-

When did it get to be so dark in my life? How had the “sunny days” given way to the impending darkness that would be my normality for the next few months? 

It wasn’t something I planned or wanted (or as I soon discovered) was able to talk myself out of. And because I don’t struggle with depression, I didn’t realize what was happening.

Yes, I have highs and lows, but not depression. In fact, this, to my knowledge, was only the second time in my life that I was in a cloud of darkness called “depression”.

It had enveloped me and became a “second skin” that I was aware of, but not cognitive to the point where I did anything more that try to shake it off. I thought that I was just having a “bad day” …

I was deep in a darkness that had so become my normality, that even the reality of all that was good in my life still didn’t shake my sadness.

Telling myself to work harder and longer didn’t help either because anxiety and depression is just plain rotten and its effects tore apart my very soul! 

As I looked back over several months, I concluded that I had some unresolved pain or trauma or issues that I had not dealt with and my body, soul, mind, and spirit were crying out for me to pay attention; something was wrong!

And I needed to be OK with not being able to pull it all together and charge ahead. I needed to be OK with letting others know that I wasn’t “fine” and that I needed their help.

I will admit that it can seem to be so embarrassing to say “HELP, I NEED CARE!”  But we all do, you know.  Burnout is serious. Depression is serious. Not being able to get free is serious. Being so deep in it that I was blind to the cloud is serious!

It’s hard for me to take off the mask and admit that I am hurting; especially when I wasn’t aware that I had been running on auto pilot and was very low on fuel.

I came to realize that it is God’s desire to point this out to me (and to others who love me and whom He will also use to revive my soul). Restoring me takes first place on His agenda; He really wants me to be whole.  

I needed to be OK with stepping out of the traffic and taking a long, loving look at God and to be still, knowing that He is God (see Psalm 46:10)

I needed God to remind me that I was a part of something bigger than me; I am a member of the Body of Christ. He had others who needed me to get healthy, but not me trying to figure out how to do it or putting on a mask of appearing to be healthy.

I needed to just be who I was at that movement; someone who was hurting and be OK with that. NO MASKS!  Most of all, forgive myself for mistakes of the past.  God has never cut me off from His love.  I needed to take it!  I AM LOVED!

I am happy to write that in time, worship and revelation in His Word returned to me. My heart knows God wants to fill the broken places with His Spirit! Bible reading and church are life giving once again! And songs of worship once again greeted me as I awakened each day new day.

I wish that I could write this today and share with you that everything is OK; but it is not…my metaphorical batteries still need recharging (or replacing) and my fuel tanks are still low.

I am realizing that I still can be set off and become discharged very easily…I still need rest and recuperation throughout my day, evening, and (especially) throughout the night.

But I am aware and I do feel and I am starting to see light breaking into my life replacing the cloud that has been my “reality.

And I need to still be OK with the process of God to bring complete healing to me. But that His job and I need to be good with letting Him do it as He sees fit; after all, it is not only His job; it is all about Him and His namesake.

Dear reader, I am not sure where you are at today or why you chose to read this longer than usual blog. I didn’t write it to draw attention to myself or to come across as one who had any real answers. I simply wrote to make some sense of my life as my distorted mind tries to play games with me.

 

But if you, too, are struggling with depression, I do feel great compassion and concern for you, because you too need rest and recuperation.

Is God’s voice pretty silent right now?  I imagine it is for you (and in some areas, it still is for me). In that place it’s hard to hear encouragement and I understand.

My exhortation is that you simply let God come and rescue you. Let Him take you to where you need to go.

Let God be the One who removes the darkness and brings light back to your shattered world.

Let God bring the healing and relief that you so desperately long for. Hope is not beyond your reach; but let Him do the work.

Your part is to simply cooperate with what He tells you to do; He is asking you to trust Him.

So, let go my soul and trust in Him; the wind and waves still know His Name

If you find yourself today in a similar state of mind and you are trying to push through in your own strength, my exhortation to you is to STOP…and REST!

Jesus longs for you to call out to Him today.

He is waiting for you to respond to His mercy and grace that has already been extended to you through Jesus Christ. And you can; today. And it can make all the difference in the world as you look for hope in your present world. Let Him bring you REST.

Need further help? Someone is waiting to talk with you. Call either: 1-888-NEED HIM or 1-877-2GRAHAM (1-877-247-2426).

"Light dawns in the darkness for the upright; he is gracious, merciful, and righteous." (Psalm 112:4 ESV)

      Pastor Tommy Oestreich 

© 2017 River of Hope Ministries. All Rights Reserved                                 

Summer of Love Remix

2018 was dubbed my “Summer of Love”. I attended eleven weddings; nine of which I officiated. On Memorial Day weekend, I attended two wedding (one of which I officiated).

Added to the mix was all of the preparation time, including wedding planning and premarital counseling.

Needless to say, Cathy and I didn’t get up to the family cabin other than the week of July fourth so we did a better job scheduling my weddings for 2019. And, for the most part, we were very successful in not over booking. This included two weddings back to back (Friday and Saturday nights).

This year, 2020, was scripted to also be another summer of love with nine couples asking me to be the pastor for their wedding.

Cathy and I had set up a system that somehow, I had (unintendedly) bypassed. I had two one month (last two weeks) and two the next (first two weeks). I hadn’t noticed my mistake until I was putting them on our joint calendar.

This was helpful as I eventually declined several other couples who asked me to officiate their weddings. I told them that I didn’t want to fill all of my weekends.

We reminded each other of the Lord’s faithfulness in the past, and moved forward as we launched into my Summer of Love 2020.

That is until the corona-covid-19-pandemic-epidemic brought my plans to a screeching HALT! Somebody sneezed and the whole world freaked out.

Suddenly, almost all of my couples went into a tail spin as they were told that they could not have their weddings as planned.

Yes, couples were allowed to get married, as long as the gathering was ten or fewer people instead of the planned 200-300 guests.

Event centers and venues were told that they needed to close up shop in order to slow down this major virus from spreading.

Calls were made. Flight plans canceled. Cakes were put on hold as my spring weddings got moved to either October-November or else to 2021.

Over and over again I listened to couples who were hurt, confused, and frustrated when their plans, many which had been in the works for two years, were no longer an option.

Many felt betrayed when they were told that contractually they were not able to get their money back.

As a pastor (and dad) my heart hurts for them.

Over and over again I listened to vendors and venue owners who were hurt, confused, and frustrated when their plans, many which had been in the works for two years, were no longer an option.

Many felt betrayed when they were pressured by clients who asked for their money back; even though the vendors hadn’t broken the contract and worked hard to come up with other dates for rescheduling the weddings.

The problem was that even when they came up with something new, the government told them that “no” they couldn’t open up their venues or perform a service.

Some things made sense; others were beyond comprehension; all because somebody sneezed and the whole world freaked out.

As a pastor (and vendor) my heart hurts for them.

And, as of this writing, things are still up in the air as to when things can “get back to normal”.

But the truth is, life is unpredictable and the best laid plans of mice and men are just that; PLANS.

I tell every couple at every wedding I officiate that the security of their marriage will rest in the true purposes of their hearts, in their character, in the steadfastness of their devotion to each other, and more importantly the love of God and asking His help.

In other words, the success of their marriages will really be based on how well they choose to face life as they apply what they said at their weddings.

Simply put, how much do they look to the vows that they make and how much do they look to God who created marriage in the first place.

The same is true for each one of us as we go through this corona-covid-19-pandemic-epidemic. Do we really believe that there is Someone who is in control and look to Him, or do we look to our plans as though they are set in concrete?

This Summer of Love may not turn out as I have planned; and that’s OK. Either way, the LORD will be glorified in my life and I will juggle my life to be there for my couples and fellow vendors as together we create stories to tell the grandchildren when this is all over.

Have we finally found the meaning to our lives?

My, how the days have gone by,
Did we sing, did we laugh, did we cry?
Again, there's a year left behind,
Did we rush, did we care to take time?

Time for old, forgotten people who look
To the older ones to be their eyes.
To inspire and to cheer,
Hold a hand and draw near to the wise.

Can we count the lessons that we've learned,
When love's a gift how then can it be earned,
Have we finally found the meaning to our lives.

We soon recall to mind
The days we'd gladly shoulder
Each other's burdens and hold hands.
The old were once so very young
But they grew older,
The children changed with every passing glance.

Here, passing through space and time,
Did we think that we could tow our own line?
Who said there's no God to be found?
You're misled, He is all around.

Round the corner there are children
Who look to the older ones to be their guide.
To inspire and to cheer,
Hold a hand and draw near to their side.

Can we count the lessons that we've learned,
When love's a gift how then can it be earned,
Have we finally found the meaning to our lives.

Artist: Phil Keaggy Album: Town to Town (1981)

After The Storm Then What?

Well it’s been a quiet week…actually it wasn’t. It was a week of multiple conversations with my couples who are getting married this summer.

With the coronavirus taking its toll on life as we know it, over half of my couples opted to move their weddings to the end of the summer rather than just have a limited number of guests as “required” at this time.

The owners of one of the wedding venues at which I will officiate most of my weddings this summer have been dealing with at least five times as many as I have. Couples are frustrated as they try to find a balance between taking action and moving their wedding date so that all of their invited guests can attend…

Or do nothing and ride the storm out hoping that they will be able to have their wedding on the day planned.

Sunday morning church services changed their formats as online services became the new normal for almost every congregation.

All across the USA people were practicing being quarantined through a variety of ways: from self-imposed to mandated.

And so on and so on…

Life as we have known has ceased to exist. And similar to what we felt after 911, we once again wonder when the storm will be over and we can get back to how we normally do life.

Even though this storm will eventually be over; or at least that is what most of us believe, my concern has more to do with what happens AFTER the storm.

The question that I have been pondering today is what do we do when our freedoms are returned? What happens after the storm?

Freedoms like eating out in restaurants, or standing close enough to hug each other, or being able to sit together in the same building on a Sunday morning, or taking a trip to a grocery store and being able to purchase whatever it was that you can to the store to purchase…like toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and tomatoes.

Freedoms like being able to walk into a local coffee shop, order coffee, and sit down instead of having to order online and then drive over to pick it up through a make-shift window.

We posted; “Remember” to remind us of those early days of 911 and the heroism and selflessness that followed. But after we got through the days and months following 911, we drifted back into life as we knew it; bad habits and all.

No longer did we remember when there was no traffic, advertising on TV, or people complaining.  We forgot when daily we heard the noise of fighter jets flying overhead…We had forgotten how to be grateful.

No longer were we united as a nation. No longer did you matter more than me. It didn’t take very long for us to once again forget the gratefulness we felt for that which we no longer had.

I have had numerous surgeries from the top of my head to the bottom of my soles. Some were repairs for injuries, some were total reconstruction, and others were for removing non-malignant tumors.

Each and every time required me to not be able to use part of my body for a season. Several of them meant that for a season I couldn’t use my hand and others had to tie my shoes, cut up my food, or put a straw in a cup of coffee in order for me to drink it.

One surgery required me to wear a cast for six months; THEN the therapy started teaching me to learn to walk again.

Several meant that I couldn’t drive, or play sports, or even work, or build, or play guitar, or paddle a kayak, or cook, or skate, or pick up my children or grandchildren. Some meant not having sex…

This past Christmas, my breathing was strained and difficult. On Christmas eve, I went to Urgent Care to get some prednisone and an inhaler just so that I could get a breath. It meant no hockey for two weeks.

But after the storm was over, and I wasn’t limited, I drifted back into life as I knew it; bad habits and all. No longer did you matter more than me. It didn’t take very long for me to once again forget the gratefulness I felt for that which I no longer had.

The question that I have been pondering today is what do we do when our freedoms are returned? What happens after the storm?

Do we really want to return to normal…where deep in our heart is the potential of “me vs you” when it comes to toilet paper?

Will I be grateful; will you?

It takes twenty-one days to make a habit. Perhaps one that we should all work on is being grateful. Perhaps now is the time to practice gratefulness and considering other people’s needs; not just our own.

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-6)

“Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe.” (Hebrews 12:28)

“in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

 

All Scripture Used is New American Standard Bible (NASB) Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation

Don’t Keep Score!

It was Monday morning. And it felt like a “Monday Morning”; the kind that Garfield the cat hated. It was the kind that people dreaded going to work on after a long weekend.

And I was at work…and I wanted to be alone…and he walked into my office and stood there in the doorway and stared at me.

To say that the weekend had been eventful was the understatement of the decade.

Never had my life gone from such success to the exact opposite in such a short amount of time. The drama that took place on Saturday alone had sent terror deep into my soul.

You might be thinking; “Why the overdramatization? Things couldn’t have been that bad!”

They had been bad; in fact, people (literally) died under my watch. And several others went missing and almost died under my watch. And I dreaded facing the music as Monday morning came around.

And I was at work…and I wanted to be alone…and he walked into my office and stood there in the doorway and stared at me.

He was a therapist whose clients in the treatment center where we both worked were under my watch. And I was in charge of over sixty men and twelve staff; and yet felt so far from being a leader as I tried to wrap my head around the events of the weekend…

The men had been out on a biannual pass with their families and almost twelve of them never made it back because of bad choices; or at least not when they were supposed to be back. Some of them came back on time but had broken the rules and were clearly under the influence.

Several of them were missing. Several others had decided not to come back. A few literally died. 

And I was at work…and I wanted to be alone…and he walked into my office and stood there in the doorway and stared at me.

My facility had been rated (by clients and staff) as one of the best in the whole state for satisfaction and retention. Guys liked living there and staff liked working for me.

We were a team who had high success. We were the facility in which clients went out on passes and came back; sober and ready to keep working on their lives.

That is until this past weekend; when everything seemed to hit the fan. On Saturday, I had been at a dinner party, during which I received a total (of no less than) twenty-five phone calls from staff reporting on the drama that was unfolding.

Each and every time the phone rang, I had to excuse myself so that I could take the call in another room. Each and every time the phone rang, several people had to stand up so that I could make my way from the crowded table to take the phone call in private.

Each and every time the phone rang, there was more bad news of another client who had made bad choices and now had either not come back or had come back under the influence and this continued throughout the rest of the sleepless weekend.

And now it was Monday and it was time to face the music.

And I was at work…and I wanted to be alone…and he walked into my office and stood there in the doorway and stared at me and said; “Don’t keep score!”

Realizing that I wasn’t paying attention to his words, he took a few steps closer to my desk and said it again with a stronger tone; “Don’t keep score!”

I continued my work as I gave him a gratuitous nod of my head hoping that he would move on so that I could prepare my reports.

Motivated by my lack of attention he got within a few feet of my person and raised his voice and said; “What about all of those people who came back? I mean it; DON’T KEEP SCORE!”

I looked at him and said that this was different; people left and either came back under the influence or never came back and some had died under my watch.

This was the kind of event that set the clients and staff on edge as they each wondered and started to ask what THEY could have done to have prevented this.

I was looking for answers as I tried to protect my great staff who themselves had fallen on their metaphorical swords and were second guessing their decisions.

Determined to make his point, he continued as he was inches from my face; “You never took credit for their success. You always deflected the compliments and results of the surveys that made your leadership look good; the best in the state.”

“You always shared the reasons for the success of your facility as your team working together and never kept score. Why are you now taking the blame for choices that others made?”

“Don’t take the blame for their bad choices. You have a great team who did their best and still people made wrong choices” he said as he was now inches from my face.

“I mean it; DON’T KEEP SCORE!”

“Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” (Job 2:10b)

With that, he left my office and I knew he was right. He loved the Lord and his words were the reality check that I needed to help get my bearings back in order to lead the team in making sense of the metaphorical atomic bomb that had been dropped into our lives.

A few minutes later my boss called me to see how I was doing. He too had been a part of the long weekend as some decisions needed to be bounced off of him. I shared the words that the therapist had given to me.

He said that he’s correct, adding that it wasn’t my job to take the blame.

I needed to file reports to give account and make more phone calls to those in the legal community to explain what had happened. That was part of my job. But it wasn’t my job to take the blame.

My job was to rally both the clients and staff to take a breath, look upward, and keep going forward. This would not be the end of the story. God was the One who got to say how it went from here because He was the reason that I had great success.

I called a meeting and spoke life into the clients and staff and took time to take questions in an attempt to stop the mental erosion that others were experiencing as they continued to blame themselves.

“Don’t keep score” I told them as I exhorted them to look upward as we took the next steps to go forward.

Eventually, this event would leave a dent in my armor that proved to be too much and I and a few of my staff made a shift and resigned from our positions. But, the words of that therapist became a battle cry that has been in my heart as new situations have come across my life.

No matter what the situation is, I need to give God the glory and the praise due His Name.

No matter what the situation is, I need to look to the Lord as the One alone who can make sense to the matters that weigh down my heart.

No matter what the situation is, I need to trust the Lord to repair the damage from the metaphorical atomic bomb that has been dropped into my life.

No matter what the situation is, I learned to not keep score.

"and we know all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Hey Grandma!

I was driving our car along Cathy and two of our grandchildren. We were heading to our house for an overnight.

The weather reports showed that there was a blizzard heading our direction sometime in the next two hours. Little did I know that a something would hit sooner than anticipated.

From the moment that we left their parents’ driveway, the two of them started EVERY statement, question, and comment with the phrase; “HEY GRANDMA…”

At first, I didn’t pay much attention to it until this became the rhythm of EVERY conversation. And then it bugged me.

For clarification, these conversations were NOT directed necessarily at Cathy. In fact, almost all of them were for anyone who was listening.

They were statements, questions, and comments on items like what day it was, do you know what we did or where we went, or did the car have a spare tire…

In a short time, a root of rejection, jealousy, and isolation started cropping up. I reacted by asking the children to please quit starting EVERY conversation with “HEY GRANDMA…” and added that I was also in the car; not just grandma.

Silence was the response…for about two minutes and then one of them said; “HEY GRANDMA…” the hairs on the back of my neck arose as the possibility of offense loomed before me.

I gripped the steering wheel and realized that although I couldn’t stop the impending blizzard, I did have a choice as to how I would choose to respond to this potential storm.

Would I choose to take offense just because I felt as though they weren’t acknowledging me, who was there with grandma, or choose to let it go… I continued the drive home.

When we arrived, the two of them continued EVERY statement, question, and comment with the phrase; “HEY GRANDMA…” Sometimes one of them would walk into the room and look up and see that it was just me and look puzzled as to where Cathy was.

 

EVERYTIME I asked them what they needed; they would say something that I could answer. NONE of the statements, questions, and comments were specifically for Cathy.

Once again, I felt my emotions rising up and I asked them to please stop always starting everything with “Hey grandma…”

Once again, I again recognized that I had a choice as to how I would respond to this potential storm.  I took care of something else as I prayed for help to let it go.

Cathy came into the room where I was sitting and put her arm around me. I chose to let it go.

It’s hard to be in a spot where it FEELS as though no one recognizes that you are even there, or that you are even alive…

As I sat there, I realized that oftentimes that is how we treat God. We pray to Him and yet, often, never even acknowledge that He is even there.

For some, they will call out to His mom or someone who has been dead for centuries rather than acknowledging that He is there.

For others, they compartmentalize Him; restricting Him to a (church) building; forgetting that He is ever present in EVERY place that we go.

“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? (Psalm 139:7)

Many times, we don’t even call out to Him; that is until we are desperate.

I told Him that I was sorry for the times that I did that to Him. I asked for His forgiveness and asked for a deeper knowledge of His presence throughout ALL of my day…

The four of us took time to play some games together as the snow storm began. Cathy suggested that after we finish our games, we get dressed in our snow gear, grab some sleds, and head to the park; which we did.

We laughed together as we took turns until the cold turned our ears red and we could no longer feel our fingers, and then headed home for movies, games, food, and books.

The rest of the time that the grandchildren were over was filled with more conversations that began with “HEY GRANDMA…” as they told BOTH of us something.

This was interrupted only when I took the two of them to Hobby Lobby to look for some clay for them to use for a project. During the car ride, to my surprise, EVERY statement, question, and comment started with the phrase; “HEY GRANDPA…” which made me smile.

A few hours later, after they left, I pondered my thoughts from the day before about acknowledging the presence of God. I thought of Misty Edwards’s song “Dove’s Eyes”:

I don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room
I want to look right at You, I want to sing right to You
I don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room
I want to look right at You, I want to sing right to You

I think way too often we forget that He wants to be a part of EVERY part of lives. And I think that probably it “hurts” Him as we talk about Him but don’t talk to Him.

Jesus spoke of this when He said:

“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!” (Matthew 23:37)

I got away and responded to His invitation to be with Him.

The cool thing is that this encounter is something that God wants EVERY DAY!

Every day we can awaken with the hope that as we turn to God each day, we will find His mercy fresh and new waiting for us to use. Great is His faithfulness; in that we can place our hope!

How about you? How much have you acknowledged Him so far this day? He’s not upset with you; He just wants to be with you and have you acknowledge that He is there.

Are you ready to start over? Have you tried to change your life with no success? Are you tired of trying to do it your way? Call 1-888-NEED –HIM; someone is waiting to talk with you.